I’ve wanted to write this blog for about a year. I’ve been trying to come up with the right word. That’s what’s been slowing me down. After all that I went through from 2014-2017 (which I’m now coining “The Business”) I’ve been lacking the right…word…for what it is I’m doing with myself now after such extreme change.
It’s not rebuilding. It’s not starting over. What in the world is it?
The new Sit Kitty Sit album is called “Tectonic” because the change happened at such a profoundly deep level. That is 100% accurate – but it describes the change itself. What I’m trying to explain is the moving on part.
And it’s not “moving on”, either.
I was not left with a blank slate. I did not look up from a pile of rubble. I did not rise from ashes. I did not awaken to a new world.
When I woke up every morning there were parts of my life that were still there and parts of it that were just gone. But I still could see it all.
I’ve spent hours with the online thesaurus trying to nail down exactly how to explain what this feels like. “To make new again”. Nope. “To bring up to date” – eh, that’s closer. “To build upon” – ah. Now we’re getting somewhere.
But then all the words associated to build upon meant “to rely on” which isn’t what I meant so much as physically building something.
That led me to “construction”. That was a big entry. Lots of related words but a lot of them didn’t resonate. Development. Manufacture. Systematic. Meh – sort of? But not really.
Toward the end of the entries, I saw “turn”. What is that doing there? So I click on it. Across the top, there are the options for how you want to use the word so they can help you narrow it down. “Noun: revolution, curving. Noun: sudden change…Verb: reverse, change course…Verb: adept, fit” Adept. Fit. That sounds more like it. I clicked on that.
About halfway down the page, I find the best one yet: Modify. Yes – now we’re on to something. I am a modified version of myself. I am different, but I am the same. I am a theme and variation. Very close. Very. Let’s try this one more time and I type in “to begin again”.
Did you mean tobogganing? (I wish – that would be awesome)
Underneath – the option for “begin again” or “began again” I click the former. To clarify it asks: As in – go back to square one? As in – renew? As in – reestablish? I click on “renew”
And there it is. The word I’ve been hunting for for a year.
Yes. Absolutely yes. I continued.
There it is. That’s the word. It’s not fancy or cathartic or anything, really. I didn’t start over, I just continued. I didn’t re-build, I just kept building. Like I always build. I had to alter what I was building, but I continued to build.
It was so important for me to find the right word because this experience felt so different.
My whole world has fallen apart before. A few times – like it does for all of us. But this one felt so different from the others and I couldn’t put my finger on WHAT was different. Or WHY it was different.
But I can now. Continue.
In those other situations, I got so spun or was so lost to begin with that when I looked up I had no idea who I even was. The tornado dropped me in a big open field and I had to figure out what my name was before I could even take a step.
Not this time. I know who I am. I have since the last time my life exploded. I knew who I was before The Business was even on the horizon. I knew it while everything was still great and I was a happy little camper. I knew it before I got sick and before I even met my most recent ex-husband (calling Liz Taylor). And nothing that happened touched that.
Knew who I was before, know who I am now.
I did not get knocked down and rise victorious. I continued in spite of being knocked down and that makes me victorious.
Holy Crap. All those years of therapy are really starting to pay off, people. I’m going to need some high fives over here. Here’s to a new world in 2018.