Don’t Just Stand There

You are overwhelmed. You are scared. You are the adult and the decision is yours. Everyday the decisions are yours. All of them. No one is going to tell you what to do.

But you don’t know what to do. You don’t know which decision is the right one. Or the situation is so convoluted there are multiple options but none seems to truly be the right one. Or more than one could be correct, or maybe three. And then even what initially seemed to be the wrong answer starts looking like it might be the best way to go.

“Don’t just stand there,” your brain says. “You are scared. You are uncomfortable. DO SOMETHING. ”

I used to. I used to just do something. Just pick something at random and go with it so that the decision was made and the uncomfortable would stop.

Which had disastrous outcomes. (As you may have guessed)

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9/27/11 – The Jitters

My last official day of work was Wednesday the 21st – so tomorrow will be one week since I went “full-time-artist”.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions from people – “how is it going?” “how does it feel?” along with, I must add, an ENORMOUS amount of support. (thank you thank you thank you thank you all)

How IS it going?  Well, I’m having a hard time settling down.  I’m still getting over the remaining dregs of a bad cold (of course I get a horrible cold when I’m making big change) so I still bust into coughing when I exert myself, which has kept me from going back to yoga.  My mind is spinning about 9,000 miles per hour – a wild blur of to-do lists, and, more exciting, WANT-to-do lists.  Lists and lists of the things I want to do now that I have time.  Those are fun lists, but they are still just as distracting, constantly taking me away from NOW. I’ve dealt with it by building actual to-do lists the way I always did at my day-job – adding on things that I accomplish that I also did that weren’t on the list to remind myself when I get frustrated with a task that no, really, you ARE kicking ass, just give yourself a break.

The kitchen has been scoured from top to bottom more than once.  The laundry has been done.  Today I actually let the living room slide because I’ve been working on the new SKS website, and the other list of to-do’s – which is impressive.  That is a really really LONG to-do list.  But we’re doing it.  Bit by bit, and with a lot of help.

The part I have a hunch I’m going to have difficulty with is the removal of one hat to don another.  For instance, I’ve been working on IT, data entry and admin-style work ALL DAY.  Now, after finishing this post I will be heading off to rehearsal with Mike – time to be the artist.  Time to perform and let the music flow through me – talk about a completely different type of energy.  That’s like trying to get the water running out of a hose to run backward.

I’m very glad that I have learned the skills to be aware of this challenge, and to be able to watch how I react to it before I make any changes (here’s to 6 years of therapy)

8/9/11

I woke up with a cold on Sunday, which is of course slowing down my “big plan”.  *sigh* – the universe always has different plans than you do.

But – I did order my first piano tuning book and a set of tools both of which should be here by the end of this week!  That means I’ll be tuning my piano by the weekend!!

I’m excited to do something new and different, but at the same time it’s terrifying. I’m looking forward to actually getting “hands on” with my big change – I am hoping that it will be a very grounding experience and help me tell if I’m on the right path.  If nothing else, it would be an interesting hobby – but of course I’m hoping it will be much more than that.

Darling Mr. F keeps talking to me about “faith” and “taking the leap” and our crazy artist-life.  But I’m a worrier.  I wish I wasn’t, but I am.  I’m hoping someday I won’t be – but that day is not today.

Maybe tomorrow!