I almost always start laughing. CHOOSE to be a musician? I didn’t CHOOSE to be a musician. Who would ever do this to themselves? In fact, I’ve quit being a musician five times I can think of and I’m sure there were more than that. I consider quitting at least once every couple of weeks to this day.
“Burst” was released to the world as a music video yesterday – this song is very near to my heart and I’ve been feeling super vulnerable for the last two weeks gearing up for it.
I wrote this song when I was at my most raw and I wanted to capture what was going on inside my head.
I want to talk about therapy. As of 2018, I have collectively been in therapy for 13 years.
You’re welcome, Earth.
I have a history of severe depression, anxiety, and a delightful sprinkling of suicidal tendencies, a.k.a. MENTAL ILLNESS. (Insert dramatic music and crowds running away in black and white b-movie terror). When it first showed up so many years ago I was very blessed that I had friends in my life who insisted I wasn’t okay and pointed me in the direction of getting professional help. I send them little prayers every day.
The only thing that is still the same in my life right now as it was 18 months ago, is that I am currently breathing and have a heartbeat.
Is what I always thought about myself. Hence the long lags between blog posts, and sometimes weeks of no updates on any social media. I didn’t feel like anything I really did was interesting to anyone.
However, the universe has sent multiple messages to me and I’ve decided to listen and try sharing more. I’m not going to worry about editing and composition so much – just write like I’m talking and see if that makes it easier to tell my stories.
So- this week for instance. While I have so many amazing acquaintances in my life I have a very small inner circle, and an even smaller number I would consider family. Around 6 of them. Two of them live nearish to me, the other 4 were in SF. Until this week. Three of them moved away – two to St. Paul, Minnesota and one to Hong Kong. The 4th one is on vacation in Mexico, but at least she’s coming back.
It has been you and me as long as I can remember. I remember you singing me to sleep inside my head while I sucked on my blanket, and whispering to me while I tinkered on my Mom’s piano, and hypnotizing me with the sound of the church choir. I remember the first few times you made my body vibrate in that way you do when that chord progression is *just* right (chills!). Anything I picked up you made it possible for me to play. Any tune you sent I could immediately sing. You and I walking together is so natural that I never gave it a second thought. I thought everyone was like this.