Your Cat

Your cat does not care that you are a rockstar.  Your cat does not care that you just played a huge show and signed autographs at the merch booth.

Your cat cares that you didn’t remember to scoop the litter before you left which means now I’m very upset and I’m going to poop on the floor – and you know how I can’t stand it when there’s poop on the floor.

That upsets me even more so I will cover the poop with your shirt from the laundry basket.  There.  That’s better.  I must now suck on the blue blanket to comfort myself.

If I cannot access the blue blanket because the bedspread is in the way I will claw it out of the way.  You left me no choice.


Your cat does not care if you’re good at your job or not. Your cat doesn’t care that you totally forgot the chord progression to your new song live on stage, and even though you covered it you still feel like a total ass.

Your cat has gone adventuring and has come home covered in brambles and expects to be brushed so he can promptly go out and re-bramble himself for the fourth time today.

Brush me now, brush me again later.  What, exactly, is the problem? And where is my toy?  No, I don’t want to play with it.  I just like it sitting in the middle of the floor.  I find it soothing.



Your cat does not care that a stranger recognized you in the grocery store when you hadn’t showered in two days which was both nice and sort of highlighted the fact that you’re turning into a crazy-hermit-artist (not your proudest moment).

Your cat does care that you got distracted by this event and forgot to pick up cat food while you were there which means you have to run back to the store first thing in the morning since it’s now closed.

Do you realize what you have done?  Now I have to put my cold nose on your warm nose and walk on your boobs until you remember to feed me.  See what you make me do?

Where are you going? You forgot to feed me.  Obviously, you have abandoned me and I’m going to starve to death. There must be food either in the laundry hamper and your yarn bin.  Nope.  Where else can I look?  Oh, you’re back.  What was I doing?  Oh!  Food!



Your cat doesn’t care that you’re both freezing and on a deadline.  He will simultaneously puke on your only rug and heating pad and then knock the garbage over shortly thereafter trying to eat the same thing he just puked up.

This is why you have to flush the puke and not put it in the garbage.  We’ve gone over this before.  Are you completely untrainable?

I must converse loudly with my favorite toy now and tell it how disappointed I am in you.  Don’t LOOK at me when I’m talking to it.  God.  A little privacy, please?  What is the matter with you?



Your cat doesn’t care that you are going through a bout of insomnia.  He will lay like a dead weight next to your legs refusing to move when you need to roll over, goddamn it.

Now, why did you turn the light on? You are doing sleeping wrong.  You are supposed to lay there and I lay next to your leg.  Now I’m upset and I need to suck on the blanket again.  Move.  No, YOU move.  I need the blanket.  GIVE ME THE BLANKET.



Your cat doesn’t care how hard you work or how far you have to travel, either.  Your cat cares that you were gone for two sleeps and you are home now which means I have to race around and show you how fast I can climb the climby-thing because I’m sure you forgot how fast I can do that.

And I can roar too.  You’re not watching.  I was mad you were gone so I pooped on the floor but then I felt bad about it so I covered it up with your t-shirt to fix it.

Why aren’t you petting me?  Look how fast I am!  Why aren’t you petting me?  LOOK HOW FAST I AM!  YOU’RE NOT WATCHING!



Your cat does not care that after being on the road for over a month you finally had enough time to clean the apartment and do all the laundry.

Your cat cares that there are fun dust piles to play with. You have to play with them quickly because the dustpan is coming.  That’s part of the game.

Look!  I’m wearing the whole dust pile and running around the house!  I win – take that, stupid dustpan.

Why are you upset?  Do you need to suck on the blue blanket?  You took it away for a while and now it doesn’t smell like me anymore but I’ve been rubbing myself all over it so it’s okay to suck on now if you want.  And the other things by the blanket were in stacks and stacks are not at all good to lay on so I knocked it over and made it into a nest.

What is the matter?  You would not be this upset if you tried sucking on the blue blanket.


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