At night the ocean is a giant black void. It’s the beginning and the end. The future and the past. It’s every dream and every nightmare rolled into one. The waves are the sound of perpetual motion. Proof the world continues on around you – even when you hold your breath. You are small. You are insignificant.
fear
Shattered
Shatter:
[shat-er]
verb (used with object)
1. to break (something) into pieces, as by a blow.
2. to damage, as by breaking or crushing: ships shattered by storms.
3. to impair or destroy (health, nerves, etc.): The incident shattered his composure.
4. to weaken, destroy, or refute (ideas, opinions, etc.): He wanted to shatter her illusions.
verb (used without object)
5. to be broken into fragments or become weak or insubstantial.
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The only thing that is still the same in my life right now as it was 18 months ago, is that I am currently breathing and have a heartbeat.
Don’t Just Stand There
You are overwhelmed. You are scared. You are the adult and the decision is yours. Everyday the decisions are yours. All of them. No one is going to tell you what to do.
But you don’t know what to do. You don’t know which decision is the right one. Or the situation is so convoluted there are multiple options but none seems to truly be the right one. Or more than one could be correct, or maybe three. And then even what initially seemed to be the wrong answer starts looking like it might be the best way to go.
“Don’t just stand there,” your brain says. “You are scared. You are uncomfortable. DO SOMETHING. ”
I used to. I used to just do something. Just pick something at random and go with it so that the decision was made and the uncomfortable would stop.
Which had disastrous outcomes. (As you may have guessed)
Today is the Day…
I’m turning in my resignation for my day job today. I’m going to be a full time artist.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I totally wish I was all “Champion on a Hill with Flag waving behind in dramatic fashion” but I’m way more “curled in a ball on the couch having an anxiety attack at 5am”
…which may or may not have happened…
But it’s been a long road to get here. And I’ve worked really hard. REALLY hard. And I have an amazing support system, and a part time job lined up to pay the bills… I’m not jumping off the cliff entirely.
Stupid fear. Always showin’ up when you’re trying to do stuff.
I’ll do it anyway – I just wish I felt more brave. But maybe that is being brave – the “doing it anyway” part. Regardless, I’m resigning today. Enter the beginning of a new life.
Ready or not… here I come!
