Insomnia

At night the ocean is a giant black void. It’s the beginning and the end.  The future and the past. It’s every dream and every nightmare rolled into one. The waves are the sound of perpetual motion. Proof the world continues on around you – even when you hold your breath.  You are small. You are insignificant.
It’s customary to be scared of the dark.  As a child I was.  Now I like the dark.  At times I crave it.  It’s peaceful. It’s anonymous.  It’s also where my demons and I can sit quietly, undisturbed, and really take a good look at each other.
It makes sense for you not to know your demons very well.  Their nature is to terrify you so sitting down with one of them for a cuppa probably seems like an odd concept.  You’d like to think that your demons know you, though. They are yours after all.  I bet it never occurred to you that some of them are only haunting you because it’s their job.  Some of them are there because you think you “should” be haunted. (There’s that awful word again – “should”.  ugh.)  Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it’s just their job to haunt you.   Sometimes when you can stop being scared and just really look st each other you discover they aren’t monsters at all. Just past versions of yourself. Or ideas others had about you that you held on to for some reason or another.  Sometimes they are actual people you are afraid to let go of. I have a few of those. People who have died that I hang onto. I’m so scared if I let them go they will vanish as if they never existed. (Note – THEY aren’t afraid of that. I am.)  So I live haunted of my own doing. And even then they don’t show up as often as I’d like. They don’t want to be here, after all. They have better things to do.
When we face each other in silence, really size each other up. They stop being scary. They stop being something I avoid and become something I can address. No – I don’t need to hang onto that fear I’ve had since high school.  I disproved that long ago. No – I can understand where that demon came from, but I invented that fear. That’s not actually what happened at all. Oh – that’s just a smaller, More frightened version of myself.  You’re not actually here to scare me, you’re here because you need me to comfort you… some of them are happy to be released. Some of them will never go away, but we don’t fight anymore. We’re more like a team.
At night the ocean is a giant black void.  It’s the beginning and the end. It’s the future and the past. It’s where I can sit and be alone with all of us in a comfortable stillness.
What do you see?  What do you see when you look into the dark?

Shattered

Shatter:
[shat-er]
verb (used with object)
1.  to break (something) into pieces, as by a blow.
2.  to damage, as by breaking or crushing:  ships shattered by storms.
3.  to impair or destroy (health, nerves, etc.):  The incident shattered his composure.
4.  to weaken, destroy, or refute (ideas, opinions, etc.):  He wanted to shatter her illusions.
verb (used without object)
5.  to be broken into fragments or become weak or insubstantial.

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The only thing that is still the same in my life right now as it was 18 months ago, is that I am currently breathing and have a heartbeat.

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Don’t Just Stand There

You are overwhelmed. You are scared. You are the adult and the decision is yours. Everyday the decisions are yours. All of them. No one is going to tell you what to do.

But you don’t know what to do. You don’t know which decision is the right one. Or the situation is so convoluted there are multiple options but none seems to truly be the right one. Or more than one could be correct, or maybe three. And then even what initially seemed to be the wrong answer starts looking like it might be the best way to go.

“Don’t just stand there,” your brain says. “You are scared. You are uncomfortable. DO SOMETHING. ”

I used to. I used to just do something. Just pick something at random and go with it so that the decision was made and the uncomfortable would stop.

Which had disastrous outcomes. (As you may have guessed)

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Today is the Day…

I’m turning in my resignation for my day job today. I’m going to be a full time artist.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I totally wish I was all “Champion on a Hill with Flag waving behind in dramatic fashion” but I’m way more “curled in a ball on the couch having an anxiety attack at 5am”

…which may or may not have happened…

But it’s been a long road to get here. And I’ve worked really hard. REALLY hard. And I have an amazing support system, and a part time job lined up to pay the bills… I’m not jumping off the cliff entirely.

Stupid fear. Always showin’ up when you’re trying to do stuff.

I’ll do it anyway – I just wish I felt more brave. But maybe that is being brave – the “doing it anyway” part. Regardless, I’m resigning today. Enter the beginning of a new life.

Ready or not… here I come!

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